Talking to (your) Child
So something happend to me recently; just days before lock down that triggered me in a way that I haven’t felt for many years. Those of you who have had/have mental heath issues will know most likely what I mean. But for those of you fortunate enough to have not experienced it, its like a rubber band, snapping you back to a time in your life where you felt…well really shit.
During this experience I was in a really bad place and noticed how the things I was saying about myself and to myself were getting meaner and much much louder. So much so that I wasn’t sleeping or eating. I just felt worthless. It started me thinking about this situation we are in and how much more time we are spending in our own homes and our own heads without the daily distractions of the outside world. Our bubble has got smaller.
The voice in my head was relentless. No matter how many times my amazing husband counteracted it with kindness, it just kept coming back for more. Snapping at my heels and following me everywhere. It was unbearable.
I knew something had to change. I might never fully forgive myself for what I had done, but I knew for me to be there for my Daughter and Husband I had to change the script. A script is the story we tell ourselves, the one we have had from being a child and most likely never updated with adult logic and reasoning. My inner child (yes Little Nikki!) was everyday reading her own Grimm Fairy tale, inviting all the monsters out from under the bed and all the demons from her closet. My inner child was scared. Scared, Sad and feeling like she was most definitely not good enough.
Once I realized it was my child reliving these scary stories she had created about herself, I started to feel so much sadness and think of my own Daughter. I would never read her a scary story, were still holding off showing her The Goonies (cant wait for the day to come!). But how could I let my child say these things to herself. Things that I would never say to Ellie…or anyone.
So I wrote my child a letter (well a text) and thought about all the things I would say to her if she was a child, having done what she had done. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and tel her that shes a kind person, that she made a mistake; as she is human and we all make mistakes and that most of all she was good enough. I read it over and over again. I read it and cried and I read it every time little Nikki reached into the back of that dark bookcase. And after a while it started to work. I had started to sooth my inner child in a way I would my own Daughter.
Right now we are being expected to do things way beyond anyone’s capability. Homeschool, isolate ourselves, work, be a friend, a Daughter a Mum…no one can do all of these things all the time and with perfect precision (no matter how many times you think you have seen it on Instagram) .
So what story are you telling your inner child? What things are you saying to yourself in those moments of quiet? You’re failing your child, you’re not doing a good enough job, you’re not being a good friend? (I’m sure just to name a few!). You would never say those things to your child or anyone you care about. So how about you change the script. Think about what dark fairytale your inner child has chosen and why that story? Then write her a letter (email, text!) and tell her; as you would the person you most care about in the world what the truth is.
The truth is you are doing the best you can in a really hard situation. That YOUR feelings are valid and that you matter. That things don’t need to be perfect or done right now…or next week. That you are a wonderful Mum, Friend and Partner and you are doing your best. Tell her all the things you would want to tell your child if they were going through this. Then read it every day…every time you hear those voices snapping at your heels.